Catching Up

[Above photo:  Sooo Canadian!  How are they so much saner, their prior treatment of the Indigenous People notwithstanding?]

4 November 2022

So much has happened since my last post when I described my arrival at AACAP in Toronto. The meetings I attended were filled with interesting ideas and observations, including a full-day workshop on family therapy that introduced me to the idea of “mentalizing” interventions. For example, “It sounds like your mother is very concerned about your friends. What do you think she doesn’t understand about you?”, encouraging the adolescent to try to consider their mother’s mind, including her motivation. It elevates their discussion.

But I felt what I always do at AACAP when I go alone: both stimulated and lonely. The latter was worse this time, since I have been going often with Ed Levin, my dear friend who died in September. Most of my other friends and colleagues have aged-out of large meetings.  I did have a number of good exchanges and a nice supper with the Maine bunch, generally much younger (Almost everyone is!) and deeply invested in their careers.

The award was nice to get, what with a very elegant lunch and supper thrown in.  I became aware how important feeling relevant is for us, especially as we relinquish our livelihoods with ageing. The Elders at AACAP, and although I am of a certain age I don’t count myself among them, tend to reminisce and drone on in tedious ways.  I get the impulse but hope to avoid it, unless I am with others my age and we all do it.

I explored Toronto on Friday, having had more than enough intellectual stimulation. I walked miles through the lovely and large Trinity Bellwoods Park where mothers were playing with their toddlers. One kept trying to photograph her lad and he, smiling and intentional, kept keeling over. She was sweet and good-tempered about it, quickly realizing that the importance of the moment was his joke, not her photo. I also walked into the immense Kensington Market and found an excellent Chinese noodle house. I was amazed at the number of tall and flashy buildings downtown, with many more in construction.  It felt prosperous and urban but not oppressive. People were remarkably helpful, polite, and, well, Canadian.

On a truly bright side, now that both cataracts are removed and with new lenses in place, my ability to enjoy color and detail is incredible. I took a wonderful hike in Acadia last Sunday. The air was so clear I spent another night at Ari’s home just so I could enjoy the outdoors. At one point on my walk, as the sun was going down, I headed back toward the car along the Jordan Cliff Trail. I expected it to travel along the bottom of the cliffs but it traversed their mid-section. A sign cautioned that there would be iron rungs to negotiate. I am happy with iron rungs; they are easily grasped. But traversing the cliff to get to them…..I was aware of feeling fearful, recognized that my balance is nothing like it was even 15 years ago, and retreated down the mountain, completing the circumference of Jordan Pond. In a contest between granite and my head, smart money is on granite.

Speaking of heads, the absolutely worst head trip someone can do to another is to gaslight them: that is, to try to make them disbelieve, or at least seriously question, their own memories and perceptions. Not a nice thing to do.

My smart and lively grandniece, Em, is staying at my place in Portland while I’m in California, trying it on. She works remotely and her sublet in Brooklyn was up; I am happy to have her stay there and enjoy the place.  

Now I am ensconced at my friend Marie’s home in Berkeley while she is on a Blues Cruise with her guy, Murray. They love music and love to dance, being regulars in the Bay Area Zydeco scene. Murray also likes Blues, so they are on a ship traveling from San Diego down Baja, around Cabo, and up the Sea of Cortez, enjoying wonderful live music.

Within three hours of my arrival at Oakland International, while I was having supper on College Avenue with a friend, someone was smashing the rear window of the rental car to get into the trunk and liberate my luggage. The trunk was empty so I simply returned the car in the morning. A nuisance but a surprise to me.

The roads here seem very congested, although that may simply reflect my having spent the last 6+ years in Maine, Myanmar, and Malawi.  Saul’s no longer has the half a pastrami on rye, half-sour dill pickle thrown in, and a cup of matzoh ball soup.  Prices have risen, you order by scanning a QR code on your phone, and my lunch was $30 with tip. The prix fixe meal at Chez Panisse is now $175. We went once or twice in our pre-child days at $40 or so, but preferred the less pretentious café upstairs.

Being in Berkeley is bitter-sweet for me. I loved it here, loved my friends and work, and, mostly, my family. Now the family has dissolved, as such, although Ari and I have a good and growing relationship. But I feel a lot of sadness for what is lost.

And, of course, I’m here, in part, to attend Ed’s memorial service. He got 91 years on this sphere and made much of his time. I loved him and think of him often, a smart, kind, loyal, and amazingly tenacious guy. I miss our talks.

The attack on Paul Pelosi is hideous and I fear just the tip of the violence we’ll see in the next few months.  I worry, along with everyone else, for the future of our country. Such lies, mockery, and incitement to violence. Along with talking about the past and our ailments, a good dinner with friends can be ruined by discussing the state of the world:  Trump, MAGA politicians, Brexit (so over!), restrictions on choice, the rise of antisemitism, politically incited violence, and LGBTQ hatred.

And, oh, climate change. NPR described Elon Musk’s new Tesla factory in Germany which is trying to expand from its current 137 soccer fields size.   It will require the amount of water needed for a city of 30,000  and Germany has been in a serious drought for years.  We should stop making individual cars immediately and develop comprehensive alternative-fueled public transportation systems. And limit the population.

However, there isn’t the will to do either.  I fear we are done and that the worldwide turn toward tyrants is a reflection of people’s anxiety—“Just give me a strong daddy who tells me he will fix it all.” I just finished a terrific novel by Joshua Cohen, The Netanyahus. It won a slew of awards, including the Pulitzer. One character says, [History can be summed up as follows: Man arrived and ruined the planet.], more or less.